Tag Archives: Sports

The Lottery and the Cavaliers

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Well, I was in the middle of writing the Week In Review column about the lottery when I realized that I had enough to say that I needed to devote a whole column to expressing my thoughts on the lottery. Hope you enjoy!

The Cavs won the lottery. This has a lot of ripples, like tossing a boulder into a small pond. Most relevant to me, it’s going to be hard for me to write about how God hates Cleveland anymore now that they’ve won three lotteries in four years. Of course, the only year in the last year that they didn’t win the lottery had Anthony Davis as the top pick, the last ‘sure thing’ superstar center in the draft since 2008 when Greg Oden was the presumptive 1st overall pick (although we all know how that panned out) so maybe God STILL hates Cleveland. We can always hope. Or, maybe, three first overall picks in four years may be compensation from the Basketball Gods for LeBron leaving, and ripping their hearts out in the process. This is all waaay too confusing. Let’s hold off on a decision to make sure that Cavs don’t screw it up, either by taking Embiid and his back problems flaring up or taking a point guard like Dante Exum while somehow forgetting that they’ve already got an all-star point guard (see: Irving, Kyrie). Don’t count out the Cavs from doing something stupid like that, they’re capable of doing anything. They’re absolutely crazy.

 

Should the Cavs should be rewarded with the first overall pick? They’re incompetent and horribly run, but at least they tried to win this year. They sent picks and Andrew Bynum to Chicago for Luol Deng and they sent a couple of second rounders to Philly for Spencer Hawes, although that evidently didn’t work out too well. The question is whether or not the trying hard outweighs the fact that the Cavaliers are a dysfunctional organization.

 

This conundrum also applies to the Suns, Bucks, and Bobcats—wait, Hornets. (Quick tangent: As far as I can tell, the whole point of a team’s name is to sound strong and powerful. That’s why you see names like the Giants or the Kings throughout sports. I’ve always thought it amusing when teams use names like the Hornets—am I supposed to be intimidated by a bug? Being the Bobcats was a lot better and moving down the scale-of-scary-names was not a great idea. At least they weren’t as bad as New Orleans, who originally had the name of Hornets and then decided to become the Pelicans.  Wow, I’m scared. I suppose that tangent wasn’t all that quick, but whatever.) We’ll be getting to the Hornets in a bit but I’ll quickly go through the Suns and Bucks.

 

First, Milwaukee. They tried to win this year and never officially started tanking, but they were led by Herb Kohl who just wanted to make the playoffs. While they wanted to do well, they didn’t exactly go the right way about doing so. Of course, the best thing for them to do to be good is to tank (which is what they ended up unwittingly doing) just showing how weird it is to be in a league in which eight teams were aiming to willfully throw their seasons away in order to get better in the long run and how that strategy actually makes sense.

 

Now for Phoenix. Phoenix was planning on throwing away their season, but when they were unexpectedly good at the start of the year, the rolled with it and finished with 48 wins which would have made them the three seed in the Eastern Conference. Of course, in the West, they missed the playoffs and ended up in the lottery anyway. How are they not being rewarded for trying their best? To solve this problem, here’s what I propose: a complete change of the lottery system.

 

It’s always great when a borderline good team manages to acquire a transcendent player to turn them into a very good team. Of course, with the lottery, that never actually happens. Why not change the lottery around? Clearly, you can’t have tanking, nor can you have the elite teams getting even better, so here’s my proposal: You have the same lottery format, but with switched odds. So, this year, Phoenix would have had a 25% shot at the #1 pick. You can’t tell me that it wouldn’t be awesome to see Wiggins or Embiid tearing up the NBA with the Suns next year. Teams couldn’t purposely lose games because they’d be destroying their hopes for the playoffs AND for the lottery. The only potential downside is an eight seed tanking out of their spot for a good shot at the 1 pick, but that’s okay for three reasons: One, rather than having eight teams tanking, we’d only have, at most, two or three. Two, teams attempt to tank out of the playoffs to get into the lottery anwyay. This year the Hawks did their best to get out of the playoffs but they were unable to, due to the incompetence of the Knicks and Cavs. Three, it’d be fine with me if we were improving teams that were already half-decent. Why aren’t we doing this? Get Silver on the line!

 

The Cavs moving up to number one overall is quite bad for the Pistons as they had a top eight protected pick that they owed to Charlotte in the Ben Gordon for Corey Maggette bad contract swap. When the lottery began, Detroit was in the 8th spot, but when Cleveland moved ahead of them, they moved down to the 9th pick, meaning that they had to send it away to Charlotte. It means that the Pistons won’t have a draft pick in Steve Van Gundy’s first year, something that dampens the excitement that he brought to their organization. On the flip side, the Bobcats are an up-and-coming team and, after adding a high draft pick, they have a chance to get even better. That’s how the lottery SHOULD be, improving teams that are genuinely attempting to get better. Who would rather see a young star having his growth stunted by having to carry a crappy team by himself over a team that’s already pretty good getting two high-ish picks and reinforcements. For me, at least, it’s no contest. Charlotte now, depending on how well they pick, have a chance to improve enough to get the 4th or 5th seed, maybe even the 3rd seed (and if LeBron leaves Miami to go to the West, the two seed). Hell, if Toronto can get the 3 seed, certainly Charlotte with a couple of new, very good, rookies can too.

 

Other ripples: after destroying its team and MCW’s good habits, the 76ers only have the third overall pick and the tenth overall pick, which they got from New Orleans in the Nerlens Noel and top 5 protected pick for Jrue Holiday robbery—I mean trade. The Cavs moving up affected the Sixers a lot as they moved from the potential 2nd overall and 9th overall to 3rd and 10th.  Kind of sucks for the Sixers and their fans when after ravaging their team and throwing away a season they only get the 3rd pick. It’s great for everyone else though: it shows that tanking doesn’t result in a guaranteed superstar and that the lottery works (although that’s debatable after the Cavs winning three times in four years). Other than that, there’s all the aforementioned story lines in play from before.

 

Hope you enjoyed and I can’t wait until the draft (I think I’ll even write a running diary for that too).

Week In Review: May 12th-May 18th 2014

So I’m going to be starting a weekly post called, imaginatively, The Week in Review. Every week I’ll talk about what happened in the world of sports, maybe add in some analysis, try (and probably fail) to be funny, and just try and talk about something fun and new. As I’m trying this out for the first time, I need feedback. If you’d prefer to have it posted once a day as a “Day in Review” column because you can’t bear to wait a week to hear from me (no need to flatter me), then just comment and let me know. In fact, I’m leaning towards a daily post, to push me towards either side, shoot me an email or comment. Thanks!

 

Monday, May 12th, 2014

 

The Nets lost after a late three by Chris Bosh, eventually falling to the Heat, 102-96 to go down in their series, 3-1. With the series heading back to South Beach, it seems as though it’s increasingly probable that the Nets will lose. This sucks for a number of people. First, it sucks for all the Nets fans (like me) who’ll be pissed that the Nets are eliminated. Two, it sucks for everyone in the world who’ll have to deal with bandwagon Heat fans crowing about their team’s success saying stupid things like “Wow, LeBron is so good! I’m so happy we drafted him in 2010”. Do us all a favor and shut up. Please. Now. Despite all this annoyingness (annoyingty? annoyingosity?) the person who this sucks for most is Billy King. Why? Well, when Billy King tells Prokhorov that he wasted about 180 million dollars for a second round playoff exit imagine how Prokhorov’s reaction. In the understatement of the year, I don’t think Prokhorov will be too happy with him.

 

Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavs, fired Mike Brown. This shouldn’t be a big deal—after all, coach firings are common in the NBA. Still, it’s highly amusing. Why? Well, in 2010, when the Cavs were trying to convince LeBron to stay, they fired his coach. Evidently, that didn’t work out too well. Guess who the coach was? You got it! Mike Brown. So the Cavs fired a coach, rehired him 3 years later, and then fired him AGAIN a year after that! That’s impressively incompetent. Maybe that’s why LeBron didn’t come back: he didn’t want to play for a bunch of idiots. This reminds me of Ted Stepien, another Cavs owner, who was historically incompetent (if you take out the second comma the sentence still works). He traded away so many first-rounders in the early eighties that two crazy things happened: First, the NBA had to institute a rule that prevented teams from trading away first-rounders in consecutive years which was fittingly named “The Stepien Rule”. Second, no one wanted to buy the Cavs because they were so bereft of assets so the NBA had to give them extra first-rounders just so someone would buy them. Gilbert isn’t on that level yet, but it seems as though he’s doing his best to get there. Speaking of which, they should make a Hall of Fame for horrible owners. The charter members would be Stepien, Donald Sterling, Harry Frazee, Jeffrey Loria, Jerry Jones, Dan Snyder, and James Dolan.

 

Just like many teams, the problem with many teams isn’t that their players or front office suck, it’s the fact that their owners are thrifty, stupid, heavy-handed, or any number of other bad adjectives. And, that’s the problem with sports today: you can fire a bad GM, you can buyout a bad player, and you can ditch a bad coach, but you can’t get rid of a bad owner. Knicks fans, for instance, are probably jealous of the Clips fans as they managed to get rid of their horrible owner and are now set for a fresh start. I feel like some enterprising Knicks fan will try and frame Dolan for being racist or the like, just to get rid of him. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2014 New York Knicks!

 

Tuesday, May 13th, 2014

 

The Rangers closed out the Penguins tonight in Pittsburgh. I’m a Rangers fan and watched a large chunk of the game and it just seemed like the Rangers were always in the Penguins’ zone, constantly firing away shots at Andrey-Fleury while Lundqvist just sat in his goal and rubbed the posts. Other than a couple of instances when Lundqvist made some nice saves, it seemed to me (admittedly, an uneducated fan) like the Rangers dominated. While I’m pleased that the Rangers advanced, it’s too bad for Crosby and Andrey-Fleury as it means that they’ll receive all the blame while everyone conveniently forgets that the Penguins won the Cup in 2009.

 

Wednesday, May 14th, 2014

 

For once, the referees seemed honest and fair. In the Nets-Heat game, Game 5, near the end of the game, Paul Pierce knocked the ball out of bounds. This would seem like a straightforward call, except that LeBron clearly smacked Pierce’s hand to force him to knock the ball out. After a replay, It became clear that LeBron had fouled The Truth, except since the call had already been made, it was going to be Heat ball. What did the officials do? For the first time in forever (cue up Frozen music) the officials actually did the decent thing. They called it out on LeBron so Brooklyn could get the ball. Of course, people whined about the officiating after the game anyways. Obviously it was the refs’ fault! It was their fault that Joe Johnson couldn’t get a shot off at the end of the game. Duh.

 

Whiny Nets fans (I am a Nets fan, but I like to think of myself as not being whiny) complained because they lost 96-94, and therefore the series 4-1. Somehow I doubt that Nets fans would have complained had they won the series. Oh well.

 

The Spurs eliminated the Blazers in 5 games after winning 104-82. With the ease that the Heat have dispatched their opponents and the Spurs getting on a roll, it seems as though they’re on a collision course for a rematch in the Finals. If they did, that would be in the running to be one of the greatest Finals ever (in my not-so-humble opinion).

 

On one side, you have the Heat, aiming for a three-peat and to ensure that LeBron returns while on the other side, you have the Spurs, hoping to avenge their loss in last year’s Finals to Miami and trying to get Duncan a 5th ring, which would push him even higher up the ranks of the All-Time-Team. There’s so much at stake in a Spurs-Heat Finals and I hope we get to see it.

 

Thursday, May 15th, 2014

 

The Thunder ousted the Clippers 104-98 while the Pacers finished off the Wizards, 93-80, concluding the second round of the playoffs. Kind of a bummer. After the best first round EVER, the second round following up is a dud. The Basketball Gods giveth and they taketh away. At least we should be headed for (hopefully) another incredible round. Spurs-OKC is the matchup of old vs. new and athleticism vs. experience. The Thunder will try and run San Antonio off the floor while the Spurs will attempt to force OKC into making mistakes. For the Heat-Pacers matchup—wait, scratch that. To make it more exciting: for Heat-Pacers III: the Quest for the Three-Peat, is should also be great. A matchup between two teams who genuinely dislike each other (a rarity these days), between the #1 defense and the #1 offense, and between the two-time defending champions and the team designed specifically to beat them should be fabulous. The amount of good basketball and matchups that we’re about to witness is astounding. It should be an incredible round. I can’t wait. Of course, notice all the should-bes in that paragraph? Yeah, well, I hope I didn’t jinx anything by talking about how awesome everything should be (damn it! I did it again). The Basketball Gods are fickle and they must be appeased. Anyone know where to find a sacrificial lamb?

 

Friday, May 16th, 2014

 

            So I have a problem: nothing particularly interesting happened today. There were 15 baseball games, nothing particularly interesting. No basketball games. The draft hype has mostly dried up. There was a hockey game, between Anaheim and LA, a game 7, in which LA won 6-2. It also was Teemu Selanne’s last game, but there isn’t much to write about that either. Damn it! Well, there’s not much to talk about now, so I’m going to cheat and write about something that’s been irking me for awhile but I haven’t had a chance to talk about (and hey, it’s not cheating if I make the rules). Michael Sam. He and his story have been pored over time and time again. However, with all the talk about why teams would be apprehensive about drafting him because, for instance, he would be a distraction due to the immense following he would receive, there’s been surprisingly little about the most obvious thing of all.

           

            Sam is a 7th round draft pick. Most 7th rounders get cut quickly, and even id they don’t, they rarely (if ever) get anywhere in the NFL. However, if the Rams cut Sam (as they would for many 7th rounders), the media backlash would be enormous. It wouldn’t matter that, as a 7th round pick, the odds were stacked against him in the first place. Rather, everything would be turned into how the Rams are homophobes. Maybe it’s that (please don’t hate me for saying this) possibly (I’m begging you) that perhaps (I swear I’m not homophobic) Sam isn’t all that great of a football player (compared to most NFL-ers) and that’s why he’s cut. Let’s try not to make it into a bigger deal than it is. Of course, there’s no chance of that happening nowadays since everyone is so desperate for stories, which is too bad.

 

Saturday, May 17th, 2014

 

The sports media is stupid. I log onto Facebook today, and what do I see under “Trending”? I see that Lance Stephenson (a crazy guy on all accounts, by the way) said that he hopes Dwayne Wade’s knee “flares up”. Intrigued, I click on the link, and find out to my surprise that he didn’t say that at all (or at least not in the way it was made it out to be)! What did he say? He said that he was hoping be aggressive enough to take advantage of Wade’s injuries, and that, by running, he was hoping that his knee would flare up. Well, that’s a far cry from what was reported. In fact, it’s laudable that Stephenson is a competitor and aims to take advantage of the Heat’s weaknesses when he can. Would you rather have him bring a band-aid and give Wade a boo-boo kiss? It seems as though that’s what people want.

 

The Rangers demolished the Canadiens 7-2 in the opening game of their series to take a 1-0 lead. The Rangers are 4-0 since Martin St. Louis’ mother died. It seems as though a tragedy often brings a team closer together and propels them to new heights. Wait, let’s not give any ideas to Prokhorov to have someone… ‘disappear’ to try and get Brooklyn to go further next year.

 

Apparently Mike Dunleavy is in the running for the next Knicks head coaching job. (This is so laughable that I don’t even need to make a joke about it. Nah, never mind I can’t resist) Why wouldn’t you want to hire someone with a career winning percentage of .461 (although that’s two points off from getting into the playoffs in the crappy Eastern Conference), who led the Jail Blazers, and who was so bad that the Clippers fired him in 2010 so they could hire Vinny Del Negro, of all people. If you’re bad enough at coaching that Vinny Del Negro is considered an improvement over you, you probably shouldn’t be coaching in the NBA.

 

California Chrome won the 139th Preakness Stakes to win the second leg of the Triple Crown. To be the first horse in 36 years, since 1978, to win the triple crown of horse racing, he needs to win at Belmont in three weeks. Miguel Cabrera, in the meantime, is probably feeling betrayed. He captured the Triple Crown in 2012 after no one had done it in 45 years, an impressive feat. But now, the next time that anyone (or any horse) comes close to equaling his achievement, he’s ignored thanks to the present day ten second attention—hey look! A squirrel! Wait, what was I saying?

 

Sunday, May 18th, 2014

 

            Indiana beat Miami 107-96, an impressive victory. Although their lows were lower and their highs not as high, the Pacers seem to be a little like the Spurs as they’re recovering from a slow start and rounding into form, about to unleash some great basketball on unsuspecting foes like Shaq during the Lakers’ three-peat. Of course, the Spurs were consistently great all year while the Pacers were complete and utter crap for three months straight, but still.

 

            I also find it amusing how some entity on Facebook (I forgot who) posted something about how the Heat have never lost a series in which they lost the first game. This so-called ‘fact’ is ludicrous for a couple of reasons. First, the Heat have played just thirteen series since LeBron and Bosh joined Wade in Miami, and in those thirteen series, the Heat have lost the first game of the series four times (after Game 1 of this series, five times). So because, in four chances, one thing happened all four times, suddenly the Heat are unbeatable if they lose the first game of the series? Also, in those thirteen series the Heat are 12-1. So it’s not that the Heat are unbeatable when they lose the first game, rather, they’re nearly unbeatable overall. Yet another example of sports media being foolish, uneducated, or both.

 

            The Hawks easily dispatched the Kings 3-1. Wait, what? Atlanta and Sacramento aren’t in the playoffs! And this is basketball! This must a record for a low scoring game! Wait a second… Oh… It’s the Chicago Blackhawks and the Los Angeles Kings. Whoops! Speaking of which, I think there should be a rule that no name is allowed to be used by more than one team. This is a great idea on a number of levels. First, there’ll be a lot less confusion. Second, as more and more teams are started throughout sports, you’ll eventually see games in which the Minnesota Pipers take on the Dallas Chaparrals. Actually, those two teams actually played each other in the ABA. Yet another reason why the ABA failed as a league. Who wants to see teams with boring names? That’s another problem with the WNBA: teams with names like Dream and Sky (just scroll through the WNBA team names, there’s nothing more pathetically funny). Who wants to see the WNBA when there are 120 combined points, about two recognizable stars, and not high quality basketball, even without most of its good players heading to China to play there? Stern never gave up and admitted that it was a lost cause—hopefully Silver will, especially as he showed that he can make the right decision with Donald Sterling. He showed that he’ll act proactively in removing a cancerous drain on the league, maybe he can get rid of another one. WNBA fans, sorry for offending all eight of you.

NFL Draft Diary

Well, this is my first ever blog post. I’m not sure where this will take me but I hope it’ll get me where I want to go (yes, I know that this is incredibly vague, but hey, it’s my blog!).

I’m 14, and an “aspiring writer”. I plan on being a writer when I grow up and I need to gain recognition and readership. If you enjoy what I write (or you enjoy making fun of what I write, either or) then please just share it with your friends and family and whoever else you think would like it. Doing that would really help me out and in advance, thank you!

Now, after that blatant self-promotion, onto the good stuff! For the NFL Draft a week ago, I wrote a running diary, otherwise known as a draft diary.

Just a short explanation of a draft diary: a draft diary is essentially a running log and commentary of the draft (or any event) by the author. The time at which I wrote everything is written down and, other than a small amount of editing, fleshing out some thoughts, changing around some words, and adding in a couple of jokes, everything is the same as what I originally wrote.

I hope you enjoy!

Coming to you live (well almost) from my home, the 2014 NFL draft! This year’s draft class is as deep as any, and I’m pumped for it, especially the Giants’ and Jets’ picks, as they’re my hometown teams.

Watching with me here tonight is my dad whose main contribution is going to be ooh-ing and ah-ing at every pick, saying helpful things like “Wow, I can’t believe they picked _____” or “Who is that guy?. Always a pleasure. I’ve got to question why he’s watching the draft in the first place if he doesn’t know any of the players, but still.

Also joining us tonight is a cold plate of pasta and Mom. Her main contribution tonight will probably be getting mad at me when I don’t eat the pasta, getting mad at me for not unloading the dishwasher, getting mad at me for the fun of it, and huffing exasperatedly once she decides that it’s getting late and that I should go to sleep.

Should be a fun draft…

A couple of notes: I’m watching on my DVR for much of the night (stupid math test tomorrow) and I’ve got to end at about 10:30 because I’ve “got to have a good amount of sleep” as per my parents. Of course, they don’t realize that all that matters is sports! Life is secondary to sports! On that pathetic note, on to the draft!

8:31 Dad turns on the TV and we’re off!

8:32 Roger Goodell enters, talking for a bit (we skipped over the speech so I don’t know what was said) while being showered by boos. Stay classy, New York. Wait, a second… Why am I saying this? I’m from New York. Just forget I said anything.

8:33 I like Ray Lewis’ new beard and how he grew out his hair. A bit of a shock, though, after seeing him in one look for so long, but at least it doesn’t look too bad.

8:35 ESPN just showed a graphic showing what people think the Texans should do with the number 1 overall pick. Nearly 60% think they should take Jadeveon Clowney. I agree with them—JJ Watt and Clowney on the same team? With his offensive line, Andrew Luck should probably take out a life insurance policy on himself.

8:38 Jon Gruden says for the 57th time that the Texans need to take their quarterback of the future in this draft. Thanks Jon, we didn’t realize after the first 56 times.

8:42 Goodell comes out to more boos to announce the pick…

8:43 Jadeveon Clowney!!!

8:43 Luck’s reaction: Oh, god, no!

8:43 Peyton’s reaction: *evil Manning face* *evil laugh* I got out at the perfect time! Thanks Satan!

8:43 Peyton’s neck disks’ reaction: Thank the lord!

8:45 I love that pick for the Texans, it means that they’re stacked with pass-rushers. Presuming that they can pick Bridgewater, Carr, or at the very least, Garoppolo, the Texans will be set. They seem to be following the Giants mode of stockpiling pass-rushers and hoping that everything else comes later.

8:47 We just finished a series of insane highlights of Clowney being a beast. Not sure what to say… I’m just in awe of his raw power. It’s just an example of, with the concussion crisis in the NFL, how it’s not the hits that are changing, it’s just the players getting bigger, faster and stronger, or more accurately, the players getting too big, too fast, and too strong.

8:52 Goodell comes out to his customary boos and announces that the Rams took Greg Robinson. Good pick for them; they get someone who’s not a sieve and who can try to keep Bradford from getting injured.

8:53 ESPN rolls out a graphic saying that this is the first time in 20 years that Jeff Fisher has taken an OL with his first round pick. Can anyone say small sample size?

8:55 My other big thought on the pick: the Rams had very few big offensive plays and their fleecing of Washington a couple of years ago allows them the freedom to take the best player available at their 2nd overall pick and then a chance to take a skill position (presumably wide receiver) at 13th.

8:56 Taking a five minute break to finish the cold pasta (Thanks Mom)….

9:05 Never mind… 9 minutes.

9:06 Goodell comes out, obligatory boos, and Jacksonville selects Blake Bortles. I alternate between hate and love with this pick, although I’m leaning toward the former. It isn’t great from a football standpoint, but from a PR standpoint, it’s genius. They got the QB from Florida, immediately selling season tickets for next year. Still, it’s hard to like the pick as Bortles is raw and Jacksonville has a history of not developing quarterbacks very well (see Gabbert, Blaine). He also won’t have many (if any. Aren’t you proud of me? I was nice to Jacksonville) weapons which will stunt his development, which is too bad, because if he were drafted by a “quarterback-whisperer”, he would have had a great shot at an elite career. He’s got all the physical tools but no polish. Sucks for Bortles and it sucks for Jacksonville. Oh well.

9:09 Browns trade the number 4 pick to the Bills for the number 9 pick this year and the 1st and 5th rounders for 2015. I don’t like that at all for either team. The Bills aren’t one piece (presumably Watkins) away from contending and since they won’t contend, it’s too steep a price for a piece that’s not needed right away. Even worse, the Browns are just Watkins (with the 4 pick) and a quarterback like Teddy Bridgewater (with the 26 pick from Indianapolis) away from contending immediately, especially in a division with the old Steelers, the three-yards-per-carry Ravens, and the bipolar Bengals. Ugh.

9:13 The Bills select Sammy Watkins out of Clemson. Meh. It’s great for the Bills, but, as I said earlier, the Bills aren’t just a piece away from the playoffs. I was pumped for the Browns and after the trade, the Cleveland 2014 season just woke up, rubbed its eyes, found out about the pick, rolled over, and died. Knowing Cleveland, Watkins is going to come back to haunt them. The lesson, as always? God hates Cleveland.

9:19 The Raiders select Khalil Mack. Solid pick, although I think they should have rolled the pick over. Their team is barren and it’d be better for them to trade down and pick up more picks this year and next because they need everything.

9:22 Gruden insists that the Raiders should have taken a quarterback. Why? So they can drum the hope out of him by losing and losing and then losing some more? I feel like Gruden gets a bonus every time he says that a team should draft a quarterback. I suppose we’ll find out if we see him driving around in a gold plated Lamborghini Veneno.

9:25 Atlanta picks Jake Matthews. Another solid pick, although, like the Raiders, I think they should have rolled it over. They don’t have all that much depth in their stars-and-scrubs roster, and they need more picks to acquire that depth.

9:28 Buccos select Mike Evans. Evans picks up his young daughter and hugs her while crying which is heartwarming, although it looked like he was wiping his face on her dress which ruined the moment a little for me.

9:29 Honestly, I think it should be Manziel who’s crying. He came into the draft, was told that he was great while being built up and hyped like crazy, and now his TA&M teammates, Evans and Matthews, were both picked before him. What a bummer.

9:30 This has been a horrible week for Drake: first the Raptors get knocked out of the playoffs by the Nets and now his good friend, Manziel, is dropping faster in the draft than a penny dropped from the Empire State Building.

9:32 The Browns move up from 9 to 8 with the Vikings by sending them 145 overall.

9:33 I like the pick for Tampa Bay as they add an elite wideout to pair with V-Jax. This gives them a sneakily good team although I’d like to see them add a quarterback to back up McCown.

9:37 Browns select Justin Gilbert, a cornerback out of Oklahoma State. Decent pick; they get to pair him with Joe Haden to instantly form a great cornerback tandem. I don’t mind the pick, I just feel that they could have selected someone more suited to their needs.

9:38 Assuming that they take a quarterback with the 26 pick, then why wouldn’t they take a wide receiver like Brandin Cooks or Odell Beckham Jr.? If they took a receiver they’d have a good TE (Jordan Cameron), an elite wide receiver (Josh Gordon) and an elite second receiver (Cooks, Beckham Jr., or another wide receiver). Then the quarterback they pick will luck into one of the cushiest situations around. That’s why I wanted the Browns to keep their number 4 pick to take Watkins. Adding the best receiver in the draft to a team already with a top 3 receiver? Watch out defenses.

9:40 Minnesota selects Anthony Barr. He’s got the potential to be this year’s Luke Kuechly, the mid-first-round-pick linebacker that mashes in the NFL, but I don’t know… I think they should have taken Manziel, an exciting quarterback who would earn ticket sales for them. If they thought they were drafting him too high, they should have traded down to the mid-teens to take him. Half these picks and trades seem illogical or just foolish. The lesson? The NFL is stupid.

9:44 Sanders comes up to announce Detroit’s pick, promoting Madden and thanking the fans for voting him onto the cover of Madden 25. I wish that they didn’t have to mess up the draft’s flow by advertising. Oh wait, haha, I forgot: this is the NFL and everything is a shameless money grab. Never mind, although it did kinda screw up the chemistry that the fans and Goodell have with the give-and-take of the booing and Goodell smiling bemusedly, inciting the fans to boo even more.

9:45 Eric Ebron. I suppose it’s good because it takes pressure off of Megatron, but I was hoping for a wide receiver.

9:46 Never mind. The highlights make him seem more like a wide receiver, in the mold of Jimmy Graham. I like this pick a lot more now, although I’m still mildly upset as I was hoping that Ebron would last until the Giants. Oh well.

9:50 Taylor Lewan, out of Michigan, is selected. It seems as though the Titans and Whisenhunt are entrusting their future to Locker in two ways: One, they’re spending a first round pick on a tackle to keep him safe and two, they’re not selecting a quarterback, showing that they believe that he is the future.

9:52 Yes! The Giants are on the clock! Finally! Hope they don’t screw it up…

9:53 Jon Gruden probably wants New York to draft a QB because their two-time-Super-Bowl-winning QB isn’t good enough. Scratch that, he probably just wanted a new Ferrari.

9:54 The Giants take…

9:54 Odell Beckham Jr.??? A wide receiver?!?!? I know they need someone to line up across from Cruz but there’s so many other things they need! O-line, D-line, linebacker, just… And especially in such a deep draft for wide receivers! Someone like Cody Latimer or Davante Adams would still be around in the second round when they pick if they were so desperate to take a wide receiver. ANYTHING would have been better value at this pick. The only thing keeping me from going crazy about this (if I haven’t gone crazy about this already) is the trust that the Maras, Jerry Reese and Tom Coughlin have built up over the years. Still, I don’t like this pick.

9:55 The Chicago war room just breathed a sigh of relief as it seems likelier and likelier that they’ll get Aaron Donald, the defensive tackle from Pitt, to come in to try and stop up the sieve known as their defense, especially the run defense.

9:57 Shawn Coleman overcame leukemia to play football and he announces the pick. The Rams take Aaron Donald.

9:57 The Bears war room just simultaneously collapsed onto the floor.

9:58 That sound you hear is Phil Emery pounding his fist against the floor, screaming “Why? Why?”

10:00 The Bears select Kyle Fuller, the cornerback out of Virginia. Not sure why they need him as they’ve already got Tim Jennings and a decent secondary. Maybe Emery was incapacitated and some intern just decided to send in the pick just for fun. At least that explains the crappy pick.

10:03 Pittsburgh select Ryan Shazier, the LB hailing from OSU. Shazier probably feels like the luckiest man alive right now: he got drafted by the Steelers and Dick LeBeau, the masters of developing linebackers! Love that pick.

10:07 If Jones takes Manziel right now without trading away Romo, the Dallas fans will riot and petition Goodell to pull a Silver and take the Cowboys away from Jones.

10:08 The Cowboys select Zack Martin from Notre Dame. Jones just dodged a bullet with that one. I like the unsexy pick that won’t sell tickets but that shows that Jones is committed to winning and substance rather than a thin façade of glitz and glamour.

10:11 Baltimore selects CJ Mosley. Is he the heir to Ray Lewis?

10:12 Guess who’s commenting on Mosley’s highlights? Ray Lewis!

10:12 Lewis talks about him and his leadership, instincts, and patience. I suppose this is why it’s useful to have a former player as a color commentary guy although it usually ends up with immense awkwardness and unintentional comedy. At least it entertains us viewers, just not in the way that the networks intended.

10:14 The Jets select…!!!!!! Calvin Pryor… How could they do this???? Their defense is good enough as it is, they need some freaking offense! What about their horrible wide receivers? Wouldn’t it have made sense to take Brandin Cooks or someone that could help their pathetic offense? I hate this pick in every way.

10:16 My theory is that Rex Ryan thinks that his father will love him a little more every time he takes a defensive player. All Jets fans are cringing a little right now.

10:17 At least their defense will be incredible.

10:18 Am I starting to talk myself into this pick?

10:18 I suppose this is what’s called being a fan. By this time tomorrow, I’ll have talked myself into Pryor being the next Ed Reed and the Jets being the best defense of all time.

10:18 Finally back up to current time! Woohoo!

10:19 Miami selects Ja’Wuan James. I’m meh about that pick. On one hand, they drafted effectively for need. On the other, I think they over-drafted him. Couldn’t they have traded down, picked up a 3rd rounder, and gotten their guy either way?

10:20 The Cardinals trade their pick to the Saints for the 27th and 91st picks. That’s exactly what I wanted the Dolphins to do. Oh well.

10:20 I don’t like that at all for the Cards. If they took Manziel, he’d be pissed off and motivated and he’d push that team over the top. And, Larry Fitzgerald would have loved them forever. Too bad.

10:21 For the first time all night, Dad makes a good point: other than the Browns at 26 (with the pick from Indy), no one between 21 (the pick Arizona traded) and 27 (where they’re moving down to) is going to want to take a quarterback, so I suppose it’s actually a good deal for the Cards: they add value and get, at the very least, a quarterback that they wanted anyway.

10:26 The Saints take Brandin Cooks. Good replacement for Lance Moore and/or Darren Sproles. Colston, Cooks, and Graham in one offense?

10:27 The sound you just heard is Drew Brees screaming in joy.

10:28 The sound you just heard is the NFC South secondaries moaning in unison.

10:31 And now it’s time to go to sleep as I’ve got a big math test tomorrow. I can’t say I’m looking forward to that, but whatever. I got through 21 picks and over 2700 words and it was epic. Hope you enjoyed!