Well, that didn’t work out too well. Armed with lessons from my 7-8-1 Week 1, I managed to get an amazing score of… 6-10. Ugh. Let’s see if we can do any better this week.
As always, the home team is in caps. Let’s get to the picks.
ATLANTA -6.5 over Tampa Bay
This section was written Wednesday
The Falcons are a surprisingly good team this year. I mean, they were expected to be better than last year but that’s not saying much as they went 4-12.
However, they’re a much better team than Tampa Bay and they should roll in this game. Hopefully Matty Ice will throw for five touchdowns and 400 yards as I’m starting him in fantasy.
San Diego +2.5 over BUFFALO
I don’t like this game. It’s generally wise to pick the better QB in a tossup, meaning that I’d go with Philip Rivers and the Chargers. However, I feel like there might be something special brewing in Buffalo. I mean, they upset the Bears in Chicago and dominated the Dolphins last week at home. Emotions are running high after the dedication of their newest stadium and the fact that the new owners in Buffalo have vowed to keep the Bills in Buffalo. Still, for at least one more week, I’ll have to go against Buffalo. If they destroy San Diego then I’m rolling with them until the playoffs.
Dallas -1 over ST. LOUIS
I’m amazed at how low this line is. Don’t they realize that Zac Stacy might be this year’s Trent Richardson 3.0., the highly touted running back who sucks? Don’t they realize that their vaunted defense hasn’t been particularly great so far this year? Don’t they realize that they’re either starting an injured Shaun Hill or Austin Freaking Davis?!?!?!? Well, luckily, I do. Cowboys are winning this week. Lock it down.
PHILADELPHIA -6 over Washington
Unfortunately, I couldn’t retroactively make the Thursday night game my blowout of the week so I’ll do it here instead. This game is my blowout of the week, sponsored by Derrick Rose, for obvious reasons.
The Eagles should dominate the WPFT with ease. The only thing that could stop them from rolling is the Ewing Theory (explained here at http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=1193711). Kirk Cousins is the better fit for Jay Gruden’s offense and might actually be better than RGIII. However, I’m not willing to bet on him until I see at least one week of him being good.
Houston -1.5 over NEW YORK GIANTS
Let’s play this column’s favorite dumb game, Would You Bet Your Life On?
In this week’s edition of Would You Bet Your Life On?, we bring you this game.
Would you bet your life on…
- New York’s ramshackle offensive line or…
- JJ Watt
NEW ORLEANS -10 over Minnesota
I’m never going against the Saints at home. They’re a different team when they’re at home and when they’re on the road. Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham at home against the Adrian Beat-His-Son-less Vikings? This is my second blowout of the week, except that this time it’ll be sponsored by Adrian Beat-His-Son’s knee instead of D-Rose’s.
CINCINATTI -7 over Tennessee
Is it possible that the Bengals are somehow the second best team in the AFC? Before laughing, think about it for a second. Obviously the Broncos are better, but who else can compete with them? The Colts and Pats are the first names that come to mind but are we really sure they’re all that good? I mean, the Colts are 0-2 (albeit with losses to two good teams) and the Pats are 1-1 with a bad loss to a Miami team that just got blown out in Buffalo. Sure, they’ll make the playoffs but I don’t think that they’re particularly good. Of course, this speaks more to the quality of the AFC rather than the quality of the Bengals. In the NFC, Cincinnati would be in the 4-7 range, depending on how you feel about the Niners, Bears, Eagles, and Falcons.
CLEVELAND +1.5 over Baltimore
Sometimes you’ve just got to stick to your guns. This year I really like the Browns, Saints, Cowboys, and Bears compared to how most people view them. I hate the Chiefs, Titans, Ravens, Steelers, and the WPFT. Through the first few weeks, before anything has happened for long enough to be statistically meaningful, you’ve got to go with your gut and that’s exactly what I’m doing with this game. I hate the Ravens and love the Browns and until something happens to prove me wrong, I’m going with my gut feeling.
Green Bay +2.5 over DETROIT
The Lions might be a half-decent team after all. They’ve gotten rid of Jim Schwartz (that’s enough to swing a few games) and have a very good offense. However, under no circumstances should they EVER be giving points to Green Bay. Even at home. Even if Megatron turns into an actual robot. The only time it might be okay is if Aaron Rodgers ditches football to become a full time advocate for State Farm.
Indianapolis -7 over JACKSONVILLE
The Jags let up ten sacks last week. TEN! That’s unbelievable! At this point, I’d bet that Chad Henne wants to lose the job to Bortles to spare himself the incessant beatings he’s endured. Of course, my three year old brother could step in and be the Colts’ best pass rusher so the question is whether or not Indy can take advantage. If they can’t, which is a distinct possibility, then the game might be closer than it would have been otherwise. However, that’s the difference between a 21 point obliteration and a 14 point blowout so it won’t matter too much.
NEW ENGLAND -14 over Oakland
I’m not sure how much I like the Patriots. However, I know I don’t like the Raiders. Also it’s a 1 pm game. On the East Coast. And it’s the Raiders. No contest.
ARIZONA +3 over San Francisco
Just like in the New England-Oakland game, I don’t know how much I like the Cards this year but I know for a fact that I don’t like the 49ers.
Also, is anyone even that sure that Colin Kaepernick is actually good? He had two or three good games in the playoffs (most memorably that whupping against the Packers) but he hasn’t been the amazing QB he’s been made out to be. I’m not saying that he’s a bad QB. Rather, San Francisco is lucky to have a QB that’s pretty good as half the league doesn’t even have that, but all I’m saying is that Kaep might not be as great as we all think.
Fantasy question about the Niners: do you think that we’ll be allowed to use San Francisco player’s attorneys as our starting defense soon? I hope so. They and their clients certainly are racking up the points… on their driving license
SEATTLE -5 over Denver
Who knows? This game has so many separate story lines that it’s tough to figure them all out. Is it Manning’s revenge game or does Seattle have Denver’s number? Is it Denver’s offense or Seattle’s defense. Honestly, I have no idea. However, here’s another betting rule: when in doubt, go with the 12th Man, and that’s what I’m doing here.
MIAMI -4 over Kansas City
Yeah, I totally want the injury ravaged, Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs instead of the half-decent looking Dolphins. Yup, totally. And while I go make this bet, I’ll also go spend 500$ to buy 100$ and I’ll hire Isaiah Thomas to run my fantasy football team.
CAROLINA -3 over Pittsburgh
Somehow the Steelers have forgotten what made them great for the past decade: defense. That’s sometimes okay because of their star-studded offense, but what happens when a good defense shuts them down? They lose badly, like last week’s 26-6 beatdown at the hands of the Ravens. And the Ravens aren’t even good! Now they’re going up against a genuinely good defense on the road? No thanks.
Chicago +3 over NEW YORK JETS
Yes, this game is the long awaited Upset Pick of the Week, sponsored by Taco Bell because of what their food will do to your stomach. I don’t understand this line. Yes, the Jets looked really good last week on the road against Green Bay. Didn’t Chicago go on the road last against a tough (at least for now) team and win? The Jets have no secondary whatsoever while the Bears have two freaks of nature in Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery. Again, this makes no sense.
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This week: 1-0-0
Last week: 6-10-0